Zerafin lives.

Heres an example of how insane and dehumanizing the druglaws are in my country. If the police thinks...

Tue, 21 May 2013 03:41:25 -0400

Heres an example of how insane and dehumanizing the druglaws are in my country. If the police thinks you have red eyes and look under the influence, they can take you in randomly from the street and demand that you give them a urin sample, while guards are watching. Having a drug in your urine or blood is a criminal offense, even if the drug was taken days or weeks ago. You can lose your driving license for drug offenses. Then, you have to come in 1-3 times a week and leave clear urine samples( all while being watched) to get your license back. I just read a post by someone being so anxious about peeing in front of strangers, that he had to take three prescription drugs to handle the anxiety - one of them being a benzodiazepine. Benzodiazepines have been proven to cause braindamage, addiction and even death. But they’re legal! Yay, go Sweden! The way that we treat people in this country is absolutely appalling. The drug companies makes billions, and so does the whole industry involved in this crazy political farce, from treatment centers, “drug therapists”, the companies that create the tests, and on and on. It’s power and money. Of course, people suffer a hundred times more from this than from the drugs. Of course, the treatment is dehumanizing, creates trauma, and should never, ever be inflicted on another human being. People should have the absolute right to their own bodies. Drugs should be legalized and handled openly. Of course hundreds of thousands of people would lose their jobs if that happened here, theyre totally dependent on a sick drug policy. If you argue for this openly in this country, youre immediately suspected of being a “druggie”. This country is drenched in FEAR. Fear of one another, fear of speaking the truth, fear of everything. The only safe outlet is channeling all your passion, if you have any left at all, into watching sports. Fuck this country. If you live somewhere where this sounds as sickening as it does to me, dont move here.

Photo

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 15:57:30 -0500

After two days of self love, peace and serenity, I talked to the first group again, and just feel...

Wed, 06 Mar 2013 20:05:28 -0500

After two days of self love, peace and serenity, I talked to the first group again, and just feel like I’m back to being depressed again. Its that I’m putting myself into triggering situations. Reality, reality is that M is just not very empathetic. Should I stop going to this group? I like Tim though. Hes probably the only one that I really honestly like. At least now that hes going hippie.

Give myself selfempathy. Its hard, once ive stressed myself out being with unempathic people. But i can do it. I can do it now.

"At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face against mine. Breathe into..."

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 17:51:02 -0500

“At night, I open the window and ask the moon to come and press its face against mine. Breathe into me. Close the language-door and open the love-window. The moon won’t use the door, only the window.”

- Rumi (via 190590)

"Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes..."

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 11:53:15 -0500

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”

- Robert Tew (via alenadali)

Another 2 hours, lost. I’m not going to kick myself for it. I chose to do it. What needs was I...

Thu, 17 Jan 2013 11:48:00 -0500

Another 2 hours, lost. I’m not going to kick myself for it. I chose to do it. What needs was I trying to meet? Empathy, understanding, safety. What needs did I sacrifice? Self-respect, rest, presence, harmony, self-expression.

Now I have a need for mourning…..the loss of my time. Please give me a hug.

I told them that I really loved talking to them tonight….but I wish I had said more. “I...

Wed, 16 Jan 2013 18:17:00 -0500

I told them that I really loved talking to them tonight….but I wish I had said more.

“I feel so excited to have this connection with you all. I feel so honored and grateful to have been here and that you have shared with me what is alive in you. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’m beginning to trust that I can be myself here. It is so special, so precious to me. I don’t know many people that I can trust to be able to understand me. I appreciate each of you and your own unique way of being. I don’t have to worry about having to explain, all those things that make me different in my current culture. You already know. I’m fighting to be me, and I need you around me. It really met my needs to be heard, and to hear you. I feel like I can breathe again. “

It’s such a vulnerable place to be in. Crap. I just have this need of wanting to express myself better, give feedback. So they know. W really got what I was saying at one point, he really got it. It was about…I have to listen to the recording again. Oh! It was about me needing help, support, he really got what I meant.

The informal group. It’s so precious to me.

I can also see W now, without his T hat on. I know, I can see the difference. It’ll become even more clear to me eventually.

I feel so happy and fulfilled.

One more regret though - I should have told T what “stands in the way”. Putting the apartment in order. Either by accepting the money from M, or in some other way. Why didn’t I answer? I know he wants to help.

I still feel the need to tell W how much I need this community. To be really clear. This is not about the usual type of connecting that is so superficial in our culture. I just need my ancap family. I’m not going to let anyone tell me I shouldn’t, anymore. It’s normal, ffs, to need people to whom you can relate around you. I’m not going to give that up anymore.

Oh, also M asked a question about our process/journey. I could have taken the opportunity to tell them about my past. It’s important they know so they understand me better.

We are finite beings. I like to think sometimes that I may have found some ways of tweaking the...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 16:04:00 -0500

We are finite beings. I like to think sometimes that I may have found some ways of tweaking the formula, but still. How do I live the best life I can though? Pretend that it’ll all be back around again? Even if it does, why would I act differently next time? Or If I act as if this moment, will never come back again. Not this one. No such thing as passing the same river twice. What would I do differently?

The same answers come up again, and again. Tell that person how much I love him/her. Say things that may make other people uncomfortable? “Your eyes are so pretty”. “You are like the universe.” There doesn’t seem to be a middle road here. Pass for reasonably sane in the culture that I live in, or express myself and see where my words fall. I’ve already removed most of the posts here….why? “They wouldn’t get it”

I can do this. I can so do this. It’s even amusing. What can they do to me? Who are they anyway? Shadows, ghosts, people who scare me but secretly take 7 medications just to get through the day. Please, judge me.

This is how I will find the ones I’m looking for. You either get it, or you don’t.

kristmort: I am a being of natureI am a piece of infinity and inconceivabilityI am a part of the...

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 11:32:33 -0500

kristmort:

I am a being of nature
I am a piece of infinity and inconceivability
I am a part of the universe that goes beyond mind
I exist in this human body and I exist in the body of nature
I am surrounded by myself and I am salvaged in the universe’s womb
And in this place I am eternal

Going to a party, right now. Maybe I’ll see my co-worker there. I’m not sure what to say...

Sat, 25 Feb 2012 16:14:00 -0500

Going to a party, right now. Maybe I’ll see my co-worker there. I’m not sure what to say to her if I do. Do you hate your job yet, girl? Do you know? How do you feel?

But that’s not why I’m going there. I’m going there to have a good time and find out what has happened to music lately. To participate in this celebration. I want to be all there. I have to be all present.

Much love to you, always.

I don’t know what I’m doing! Did I say that? I make no sense. Not all the time. I guess...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 22:05:52 -0500

I don’t know what I’m doing! Did I say that? I make no sense. Not all the time. I guess it’s training. I’m sorry. I’ll probably make even less sense tomorrow. If I could just fall asleep again.

I really have to focus on other things for a while. They want to sell this small place and I have to...

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 20:01:28 -0500

I really have to focus on other things for a while. They want to sell this small place and I have to try to find out if I can buy it at all.

I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, wall. I hear him talking. About yachts, attic...

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 13:00:55 -0500

I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, wall.

I hear him talking. About yachts, attic apartments, houses, houses in India. It would sound to some people like heaven, but for me it is pure hell. He won’t let me go. He promises me everything and he says that he loves me. I know this is Karma. I did this to myself for sure. To what degree I don’t know.

But this is why I can’t stop now. I can’t go back to this nightmare paved with money and everything I’m supposed to dream of. It’s not beautiful, it’s really not. I have to do what makes me feel alive, not dead inside.

I don’t know why it’s pure hell. This is why I’m saying almost everything I’ve been told is the other way around. I’ve been told this should make me happy. It should make me feel safe, but it’s not. All these promises.

None of these things make me happy. I miss that piece of red string I used to wear around my wrist years ago. That’s what I should have kept. But then truth be told some technology makes me happy too. There’s no denying that.

Photo

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 07:13:20 -0500

No that makes sense. It does. I never claimed I could do anything special . I thought I could do...

Tue, 21 Feb 2012 07:03:00 -0500

No that makes sense. It does.

I never claimed I could do anything special .

I thought I could do this forever, maybe I’ll have to.

Maybe I’m going to have to throw everything at this wall.

Or this fire. Or whatever it is.

My head hurts really bad already.

I think it could become really bloody.

Question is if I can walk away from it.

I need some water.

Is this going to kill me.

Do I even know the basics.

No. I’m really exhausted.

The edge of this terrible thing disappeared into the clouds.

This is probably the worst idea I’ve ever had.

I’m going to have a 5-year old fit now and kick at this thing and fall asleep.

This might take years.

Move along now, there’s nothing to see here.

Listening to Jess Mills and Sebastian. I also like this song by Sebastian called...

Mon, 20 Feb 2012 19:26:00 -0500

Listening to Jess Mills and Sebastian.

I also like this song by Sebastian called “Motor”. It’s basically a lot of motor noises, it’s awesome.

Here’s my gift to you. The garden outside the house that I called my first real home, it was...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 21:22:00 -0500

Here’s my gift to you.

The garden outside the house that I called my first real home, it was wild and magical. A gardener had planted it once, but then for decades hippies had lived there and they let it grow and now all the small stone paths were overgrown. The garden stretched all the way down to the water, but there was a fence just between us and the water. One third of the way up to the house was a fire place, where we used to sit or lay down during the summer nights. I fell asleep there a couple of times. Right next to the fireplace was a tree with very long, low branches and thick foliage, so it was almost like a big cave under it. We would put a mattress in there and rest there when it was raining.

Wow. Haha. This could be misinterpreted in so many different ways. I didn’t even see it....

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 17:39:00 -0500

Wow. Haha. This could be misinterpreted in so many different ways. I didn’t even see it. Enough of this, I’m going out.

matthewavery: Memento ”I have to believe in a world outside my...

Sun, 19 Feb 2012 05:47:00 -0500

matthewavery:

Memento

”I have to believe in a world outside my own mind. I have to believe that my actions still have meaning, even if I can’t remember them. I have to believe that when my eyes are closed, the world’s still there. Do I believe the world’s still there? Is it still out there?… Yeah. We all need mirrors to remind ourselves who we are. I’m no different. ”

-Leonard Shelby

Somehow, people don’t seem to be using this tumblr thing to just randomly write a bunch of...

Sat, 18 Feb 2012 18:16:00 -0500

Somehow, people don’t seem to be using this tumblr thing to just randomly write a bunch of crap.

Ok, I shouldn’t say crap. But random thoughts then. Everyone else seem so much more together. They’ve got pictures and quotes and what not. I just dump all the garbage that is in my brain.

It’s all right.

I’m not expecting anyone to read this anyway.

But what was the point of this again, I have to remind myself.

Right. Just write what is in my head.

Oh oh, also, no explanations?