I don’t know what I’m doing! Did I say that? I make no sense. Not all the time. I guess it’s training. I’m sorry. I’ll probably make even less sense tomorrow. If I could just fall asleep again.
I breathe, I live.
English is my third language.
I really have to focus on other things for a while. They want to sell this small place and I have to try to find out if I can buy it at all.
I’m not going anywhere. It’s you and me, wall.
I hear him talking. About yachts, attic apartments, houses, houses in India. It would sound to some people like heaven, but for me it is pure hell. He won’t let me go. He promises me everything and he says that he loves me. I know this is Karma. I did this to myself for sure. To what degree I don’t know.
But this is why I can’t stop now. I can’t go back to this nightmare paved with money and everything I’m supposed to dream of. It’s not beautiful, it’s really not. I have to do what makes me feel alive, not dead inside.
I don’t know why it’s pure hell. This is why I’m saying almost everything I’ve been told is the other way around. I’ve been told this should make me happy. It should make me feel safe, but it’s not. All these promises.
None of these things make me happy. I miss that piece of red string I used to wear around my wrist years ago. That’s what I should have kept. But then truth be told some technology makes me happy too. There’s no denying that.
No that makes sense. It does.
I never claimed I could do anything special .
I thought I could do this forever, maybe I’ll have to.
Maybe I’m going to have to throw everything at this wall.
Or this fire. Or whatever it is.
My head hurts really bad already.
I think it could become really bloody.
Question is if I can walk away from it.
I need some water.
Is this going to kill me.
Do I even know the basics.
No. I’m really exhausted.
The edge of this terrible thing disappeared into the clouds.
This is probably the worst idea I’ve ever had.
I’m going to have a 5-year old fit now and kick at this thing and fall asleep.
This might take years.
Move along now, there’s nothing to see here.
Listening to Jess Mills and Sebastian.
I also like this song by Sebastian called “Motor”. It’s basically a lot of motor noises, it’s awesome.
Here’s my gift to you.
The garden outside the house that I called my first real home, it was wild and magical. A gardener had planted it once, but then for decades hippies had lived there and they let it grow and now all the small stone paths were overgrown. The garden stretched all the way down to the water, but there was a fence just between us and the water. One third of the way up to the house was a fire place, where we used to sit or lay down during the summer nights. I fell asleep there a couple of times. Right next to the fireplace was a tree with very long, low branches and thick foliage, so it was almost like a big cave under it. We would put a mattress in there and rest there when it was raining.
Wow. Haha. This could be misinterpreted in so many different ways. I didn’t even see it. Enough of this, I’m going out.
Somehow, people don’t seem to be using this tumblr thing to just randomly write a bunch of crap.
Ok, I shouldn’t say crap. But random thoughts then. Everyone else seem so much more together. They’ve got pictures and quotes and what not. I just dump all the garbage that is in my brain.
It’s all right.
I’m not expecting anyone to read this anyway.
But what was the point of this again, I have to remind myself.
Right. Just write what is in my head.
Oh oh, also, no explanations?